Globalization Evil

- That’s horrible! Mary’s cat was on the tree all afternoon! It took five firemen to rescue that poor thing!
- Oh my god! Mary must have been soooo frightened! How is she now?
- Not very well, she fainted 3 times and then the doctor said she should stay in bed for at least a week.
- Horrible indeed!

- Have you heard the news?
- No. What?
- Didn’t you listen to the radio or read the papers? It’s Mike, the baker!
- What about Mike?
- He was interviewed about the fire in his shop!
- What fire?
- The one he almost got! His brother prevented it the last minute!
- Oh, that would be dreadful! Poor Mike, how scared he must have been!

The troll’s village was completely isolated from the rest of the world, hidden inside a huge stone wall. These trolls made up their minds a lot time ago. They were totally against globalism. They didn’t want anything to do with all the other creatures of this planet even their neighbours and especially foreign visitors. Their gates were almost always closed. Their race would not mix with other cultures and certainly would not be forgotten.

They followed strictly all ancient troll beliefs, religion, tradition and rituals and managed to be autonomous by producing everything that a troll needs to survive; food, medicine, clothes, shoes, books, art and cosmetics.

They had come to this decision to build this stone wall around the village because things had turned very dangerous in the past. Their young children had started to use words from other languages like dwarfish, elfish and once, they heard a little troll singing the blues. Furthermore, there was another problem; it seemed to be extremely difficult to remember and follow their culture or religion.

All those foreigners made it difficult to remember of their ancestors, their gods and their religion. They even forgot all troll authentic art, traditional drinks, food and music! Troll history was about to be forgotten too.
The worst part was their role in the world. Being a troll didn’t seem that important any more. Troll news and their problems didn’t care anyone any more; it was as if they never happened at all.
Why would the world be interested to your unknown village flooded by your little stupid river? Who cares if a troll archaeologist translated all ancient troll symbols… in trollish? You should at least speak ten different languages before you accomplish great things; if you wanted to attract the interest of the world. And if you faced a catastrophe it’d better be bigger than the others or no one would be impressed.

The elder trolls took charge. If the world didn’t care for their important beings so would they. They kicked all foreigners out of their village and asked everyone to help build a tall stonewall around it. Now that was big news for the rest of the world but unfortunately trolls never found out. They also missed all the other great news of the world. Like the discovery of the cure of the only deadly troll virus. And the results of the biggest world research about the huge benefits for the brain after mixing races and cultures.
And all those new books about troll inheritance written...

Inside the walls they all just enjoyed the calm after things in the village went back to normal and so they started trolling happily again. Once more trolls were important; their history, their language, religion, food, ethics. The space inside those walls was the only world they wanted to know about and the only place that mattered to them.
And that would be very clever unless they didn’t live in a planet with others…

The rest of the world was now facing serious trouble. If they had kept in touch with it, they would know the trouble caused by that stupid troll machine they once sold to an elf. It was a weather machine that produced artificial rain clouds with rain. When gods found out, they were so furious that they killed all elf races with toxic rain.

They would also know that a spaceship with very ugly aliens had invaded their planet killing everyone on sight. Aliens tried at first to communicate with this beautiful planet’s inhabitants but no one seemed to understand their ancient troll symbol language. So, after everyone thought aliens were hostile, they tried to destroy their ship with missiles and that made them really mad.

They would know that dwarfs were all dead after been poisoned from the little unimportant river that carried all troll waste outside their village.

They would know why their lakes turned black, why their hair started to fall. They would know why the atmosphere was so thick, why the sun had turned green, why there was no rain in years and what was that smell…

Globalization is evil” said the elders while a mosquito was flying over the stone walls carrying the SJW453; the only deadly troll virus...

Inspired by: Curtis Schweitzer, Got Questions and Nathan White


Earthquake predicted

The skinny old woman was wearing a worn black cloth faintly reminding of a robe. She had left the village ages ago to live in a cave by the sea. Some said she used to be a fisherman’s wife but after he died in a big storm she decided that gods owed her big time and so, she called herself a Sea God Expert, the Best Prophetess Ever Lived and started foretelling the future by interpreting sea signs. If for example you caught an octopus with nine legs and had nothing better to do, you’d run straight to her cave to find out if this meant extra money, good luck or even a bride. Everything was an omen or a godly sign according to her.

Once in a while this prophetess turned up in the street market and like Cassandra, she warned people of biblical disasters, storms and huge waves. And just like with Cassandra, people were very annoyed by her words because whether you were a prophetess or not, no matter if the gods were angry or happy, you knew that sometime soon they were going to throw another big storm, an earthquake or hailstones on you. Why give her credit for shouting in your ears bad news all the time?
How would she like it if you shouted to her ears that she would die someday soon? And then expect everyone to be very impressed by your prophetic powers; and all that during her funeral?

Of course sometimes she really impressed people. Not for her prophetic powers, though; it was mainly about the imagination of he prophecies. “Beware” she had cried one day. “The God Of Oysters is furious at you. You are murdering his children every day. I’m telling you this: throw all the pearls back to the sea now! Don't you know what an oyster has to suffer to become a pearl? Don't you? It takes years of prayers and faith and true regret to become a big shinny pearl. It’s the way the God Of Oysters shows he has forgiven all their oyster sins; by letting them transform into a beautiful pearl. Who are you to ruin that? Hailstones, the pearls of the sky, are on the way! The God Of Oysters is seeking revenge! You can’t just steal his pearls and make necklaces! It’s like… it’s like killing the virgin before the sacrifice! It is… it is… hybris!

However, all her predictions were of bad things to come. There wasn’t one good thing ever predicted by this woman’s lips and that’s why most didn’t really like her. She, on the other hand, when she saw sour faces she got mad and told them they would all thank her one day because “true scientists like prophetesses, witches, philosophers and priestesses don’t have to be popular too; their primal goal is to save their lives”. Their own lives she meant but she could use some popularity.

The market was full of people but her voice was very loud that day. Some laughed, some gathered to enjoy the show. She used to have a small bag around her neck with several seashells in it, which she used to throw in the air and then tell the future by the forms they took after falling on the sand. If for example, the seashells formed something like a circle this meant that someday from now in a year that contains a zero (that could be in 10, 20, 100 or 1000 years) the God Of Cetaceans* would sink the whole village unless they sacrificed a child. Then the crowd would laugh and scatter around the street shops leaving her alone to shout of calamities until she was exhausted.

She said the magic words, raised her hands and threw all the seashells as high as she could. People stepped back. When the seashells fell on the sand, it was obvious they formed the image of something like a snake.
Some couldn’t wait and started to guess:
- God Of Witch Eels! Oh wait, wait! It seems to glow a bit in the sun. Ok, I got it. It’s the God Of Electric Eels. That’s him sending the Sign.
- No, it glows too much. It’s The God Of Fire Eels. Definitely him.
- Oh, stop it! Don’t you see the space between those seashells? They are meant to be stripes. It is for sure The God Of Yellow-Lipped Sea Krait.
- No, can't you see? This is bigger. It must be The God Of Hydrophis Spyralis. Take a good look at my wooden foot; believe me I know how it looks from that close.

The old prophetess stepped forward and started to push people away from her seashells.
- Excuse me! Will you let me do my job? Please, don’t touch anything; you will ruin the evidence. Step back!
She went nearer, gave the shells a closer look, raised her hands and said:
- Well, it could be any of the gods you’ve already mentioned of course and you are right that it had to be a God of the Sea Snake Family but I’m afraid you are not yet aware of all the… unpleasant facts.
- What happened?
- Facts? What facts?
You see yesterday night while I was lying on the beach trying to relax from all those stupid Sirens singing all day, a young merman approached me. He was so handsome that if I wasn’t a scientist with such serious stuffs to handle, I would say yes to his proposal and become his immortal young wife. But the duty goes first! Anyway, he told me that Poseidon’s trident is about to struck our land. I asked him again and again but he swore he told me the truth. Poseidon himself, the God Of Sea Gods, Of All Fishes, Big Waves, Corals, Rocks, Seaweed And Sand, but mainly the God Of Earthquakes, is coming for us!
- Ok. I’ve had it. Someone call the police NOW!
- Yeah! We can’t let her keep scaring women and children like that!
- Good idea! It was about time. Take her to prison!

A big light drove their attention. It was like a cloud or a crystal ball just over the sea. A few seconds later, Poseidon rose from the dark waters and struck fiercely their land with his trident. A very few survived such an earthquake to tell this tale and among them the now younger and immortal prophetess.
And I’ll tell you one thing for sure: I was well respected after that. Oh, and another thing: Mermans are misunderstood. Take it from me, they rock.

*When the seashells formed a circle, everybody knew it would definitely be the God Of Cetaceans. You could easily tell which god would cause trouble this time. When the fish shells formed a line it was the God Of Eels, a bigger line was the God Of Witch Eels, a triangle was the God Of Angel Fish, a big triangle was the God Of Angel Sharks and when they formed nothing (or none could make a decision anyway) it had to be the God Of Plankton; pretty harmless fellow.

Inspired by: Guardian, HowStuffWorks and Huffington Post

Gold matters

Ermos, the young alchemist, abandoned all hope the last 2 years. Nothing would save his profession. If you wanted to turn things into gold you’d better be a wizard or a fairy. From the beginning, alchemists were trying in vain. You could spend your whole life in chemistry, atoms, molecules and really explosive experiments but the outcome was never gold; or anything you could use anyway.

It all started hundreds of years ago when someone said he did it. Midas was the first alchemist in history. Then he became rich by making mountains of gold, destroyed the recipe and died without telling anyone how the hell he did it. They accused him of wizardry or fairyness or even of having secret agreements with aliens that helped him with advanced technology but he denied every accusation. And no one had proof to condemn him. If they could prove he was a wizard, the wizard's palace would turn him into a training broom with five seats or if they could find a fairy ancestor in his family he would be sent to Fairylands for unfree labour in their feather care salons. And if anyone saw him talking to aliens, that was the worst one, he would be sold to the Cyclops for a slave*.

Wizards, fairies and aliens could make gold out of anything but were not allowed to, after signing of the Fair Competition Agreement. If anyone left free to do his magical, genetic or technological stuff that easily, then there were going to be serious problems. Dwarfs would possess all diamonds and precious stones hidden underground, Pythia would foretell everything about the future causing complete chaos, boredom or depression, wizards would have absolute power over every living creature (without adding the problems arising from the increase of the frog population). Cyclops would definitely eat all humankind and what would that leave to fairies? Nothing at all. They would surely be left behind. And so would gods. What would a god do in a place where his godly powers were not only his? You can't punish someone with a thunder if he and his friends will answer with phasers…

Midas died in his 120 year birthday calling himself an alchemist and accusing everyone of not having an open mind. His last words were: “just because I don't want to share my secret scientific recipe to make gold, that doesn't mean I am a wizard, fairy or a friend of the aliens. I studied chemistry and science. If you want to accuse me of something you'd better find yourselves a good lawyer; a huge part of my fortune comes from winning all your demonic law suits”.

Nowadays all that was a joke. Choosing to be an alchemist was the most ridiculous thing you could do. During the first years he thought he would make it. Now he was just a poor beggar who studied chemistry, an unusual and totally unneeded science. Furthermore, once his house was blown up by the last explosion during his last experiment 2 years ago, he was homeless too.

A fairy went close by and threw a coin in his hat. She seemed compassionate and conversational. All fairies were like that when they saw humans. To them, all humans were ugly, poor and helpless creatures, let alone a beggar. That was why they never missed a chance to show compassion and mainly look compassionate to the other fairies flying by.
- What is your name, my poor boy?
- Ermos. Thank you.
- Oh, it’s nothing. Just a coin. What happened? Why have you ended up like this? At your age… you have all your life ahead of you, you know.
- No one will hire me. I studied chemistry.
- Oh.
- And it gets worse... to be an alchemist.
- Oh, dear!
The fairy could barely hide her laughs. An old wizard came closer. One's misfortune is everyone's entertainment. The old man didn't even search his pockets for a coin. He started his questions right away.
- No one ever told you that you can't legally make all the gold you like? And what about other alchemists? Have you met another alchemist succeed or have you met another alchemist at all? There is no one in history who accomplished it except that deceiving old fox who certainly wasn't a true alchemist! Didn't you know all that?
- I did.
Now, around him there were more twenty fairies, wizards and humans. They were laughing, criticizing and kept asking questions. And no coins in his hat.
- Then why have you chosen to waste your life like that?
- Yeah, why?
- Well, I wanted to keep an open mind...
- What does that mean?
- Open-mindedness is when you hear about stuff and you don't believe them but you choose to see the facts first and test them yourself just in case they are true. Well, to do that with alchemy, I found that you have to study chemistry first and then experiment. A lot. I've found out lots of things but all of them totally useless.
- What could one possibly find out from... chemistry?
- Lots of stupid and useless stuff...of course. Like, like I can make lips turn red forever and I accidentally found of a substance that can paint hair whatever colour one likes without having to fear of the rain or worry about dirty pillows. But who would be interested in changing the colour of his hair or skin, after all? And I've discovered a fabric that glistens in the dark just like fairies feathers. Or those nano glasses that could make one's eye colour black or green or violet. Totally nonsense. The most bizarre thing was a dust that if one inhales it, his body becomes 20 years younger. Hundreds of boring new things and none of them gold. I'm sorry, I shouldn't bother you with my chemistry stuff.
Their eyes started glistening like fairies feathers. Some touching their grey hair, others looking at their old skin and humans so happy and fearful the same time, just like if they saw Zeus himself.
- Oh god! Black hair? You can actually paint my grey hair, black?
- And my eyes? I can have violet eyes?
The wizard stepped forward and grabbed his hand.
- Well... I've always encouraged open-mindedness... come along, I have a huge house, let's start those experiments again... Leave the poor boy alone everyone. See, you try to make gold and I will clean all the mess. You know, those dusts and nano glasses and fabrics and substances that are absolutely worthless? I will help you.
- But...but...
Before he finished his sentence a spaceship above them, grabbed the boy and disappeared in seconds. In a few months the colour of your hair was according to what those alien fashion magazines thrown monthly by spaceships, dictated. Your eye colour and clothes too. Oh and your age.

His last words in his 120 year birthday were: “when you look for gold, you must always be open minded. For what you seek is almost never a stone, or yellow or glows. It could very well be a dozen won law suits, black eyes turned into blue or even an Anti Wrinkle Ermos Cream. Take an alchemist's word for that, believe me, I know matter”.

  • * Not a slave really. Cyclops ate all the humans they bought but called them slaves after taking legal advice from their demon attorneys. The law for Human rights was very strict. If you called a human being “food” you were sentenced to prison for life. But if you called him “slave” you couldn't be touched. And then afterwards, being your property, you could do anything you liked with him; breakfast, supper or lunch.

    Inspired by: cnet

Unfulfilled missions

The philosopher came closer and sat on the black rock. “I think I can help you” he said. Cerberus stopped crying. He raised his middle head so as to better listen to what a philosopher would say about all this. He had to find a solution quickly. It had been centuries since he decided to do something about his life and he wouldn’t wait.

He would not use eternity as an excuse anymore. It was about time he took the big step. He wanted to live in a sunnier place. He hated Haros and all that bragging about his stupid boat and those names he and his Siren friends called him all the time. Of course, Hades was the best place for you if you were a monstrous dog with three heads, huge teeth and red eyes. It was actually the only place where you could find a permanent and well paid job without having to live in a cage, being whipped all the time or jumping through flames before a cheering crowd. Being the chief guard of Hade’s Gates was nice for the first five centuries. Then, Cerberus had had it.

He was so tired of the darkness and dead people. He was fed up with their anger, their fears, regrets and oh dear gods, all those unfulfilled missions.
They were all convinced they had left behind unfinished stuff and insisted on going back, fulfill them and then die. That was definitely the worst part of his job. He spent most of his working hours trying to keep dead humans inside Hade’s Gates.

It was inconceivable for the dead those days to accept that life didn’t necessarily have to mean anything. It was impossible to make them understand that it was absolutely okay to be born, live and die without doing anything remarkable in between. Just live with no miracles or uniqueness involved, just plain good biology. It was completely beyond his comprehension why humans would believe that crap, why there had to be something more to them, an inner light, a higher purpose, a meaning.

He certainly had underestimated Hybris. She had done an excellent job. Her priests had filled those poor people’s minds with lots of flattering stuff to help them cope with their unimportant, ugly lives and make money for the temple. It worked very well for the people and the temple.

The whole conception was so simple and yet dam clever. If someone convinces you that the universe has a plan just for you, you feel unique. You feel important. It made people get up in the morning because they now knew, that life would soon reveal their purpose. They only had to have their eyes, ears and hearts open to recognize the signs and most importantly, they had to be thankful every single day for everything life had given - or not given -them.
From that moment on, it was like a virus infection. Once you heard those words, you were instantly turned to a happy moron. You saw signs and meanings and messages from the gods all over the place and if kicked in the butt you were thankful for maybe this was a sign too.

Cerberus knew from the beginning that humans were badly fooled. After all he was immortal and had to live in the dark for an eternity. What kind of higher purpose would that be? And on top of it, he had to cope with hundreds dying every day complaining about their unfulfilled missions or surely having missed the signs, all ending up shouting and trying to escape from Hade’s Gates. And as the chief Guard of the Gates, Cerberus had to protect Hades image too.

He tried logic once “just because your parents abandoned you in the jungle, it doesn’t mean that you should become the Lord of the Jungle. Oh, and apes don’t always eat bananas”. Then he tried lies and even flattery “this is the most suitable place for your own personal mission. You know… the one the universe has just for you? You must certainly be the Messiah of Hades. Just wait for the signs and you will believe me”. Nothing worked. Someone already tricked by flattery isn’t easy to trick again unless you give him something a lot bigger. If one’s mind is already near the sun, being promised the moon is of no interest at all. You have to blow one’s mind sometimes.

The philosopher lit his pipe and exhaled a large cloud of smoke and then started making smoke rings looking very thoughtful. Cerberus tried not to keep his hopes high. One of the things he learned after dealing with dead philosophers all this time, was that whenever a philosopher doesn´t feel the need to grab his last chance for philosophy right away, then it is possible that he has nothing philosophic to say and most probably never had.

- The problem is, that you don´t value your existence enough.
- And how is that?
- You see our existence is a lot more than the things we already know my dear Cerberus. There are things beyond me and you. Beyond life and existence. Just waiting to be revealed.
- Oh? And what more would there be beyond life, death, Hades and the gods?
- I’m not talking about the present necessarily.
- Okay, you are telling me that there is life after eternity?
- I’m not talking about life after eternity. It's all about your life during eternity.
- What about it?
- Our life you see, has a higher purpose. The universe has a special plan just...
- ...for me?
- Exactly.
- And I suppose I have to keep my eyes, ears and heart open to recognize the signs?
- That's the spirit. And don't forget to be thankful...
- Oh, yes. That too. And your purpose in life? Has the universe revealed it for you?
- Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about in the first place. I need a favor. Tell me, are you acquainted with the philosophical term “unfulfilled missions”?

Inspired by: Atheist Ethicist :D

They lived happily ever after… ?

Once upon a time there was a place called Dystopia. Still is actually.
It's residents are mostly refugees. You see, every myth and tale has to end, so Dystopia is the only place in the universe where they are accepted. It's that famous place all mythical creatures can retire just after they hear the magical words “they lived happily ever after”.

Of course “happily” is a big word but if you are seven and you are already scared enough with monsters and witches, you desperately need a “happily ever after”; It is really not the moment to be acquainted with new words like “divorce”, “car accident”, “poissonous cherries” and “Cinderella's Hot line”.